Dear diary, in some ways I have felt a reconnection with the world, with the spiritual, but in other ways today I have felt my identity has been shaken up a lot. The thing is - many of my emotional states come and pass, and with this applying to my past, maybe it also applies to my present. I am not sure this feminine identity is stable. I have felt it and I did embrace it in my past, but I came to the conviction that I was referring to myself in 3rd person, when I used 'she' pronouns in my diary. Only there. Perhaps I failed to properly embody a feminine presence back then. Perhaps I wasn't entirely convinced since back then the right wing seemed cool, enticing - unlike now, when it is in power, and the left wing works from the background. And so I felt my identity wasn't congruent with what I expected in that past. Maybe that's why I dropped the label.
But also it could be that, from an ontological basis, I can't really make out directly and concretely, what it is that I am, without some kind of external feedback. When just on my own, I experience a different state of being that is predicated upon something eternally fluid. Myself. Once I was far-right, now I'm leftist and trans. In both cases I adapted, although even in my worse times there was this authenticity, this goodness of heart that didn't entirely melt away. It's weird and, possibly, this requires much more introspection from me in the future. I must let myself sift through this.
At last I felt that serenity when looking at the vast world. It did take time. But I spent much of my day outside, watching the cloudless sky, feeling the sun burn on my skin - and, well, the sky isn't emptier than I am. Everything is empty. Atoms are mostly just void. Moreover - the sky has some kind of hue. It's not entirely detail-less. Actually, there is something. It can be perceived. It's akin to the detail that is visible on the surface. And so my mind stopped racing and, for the first time in a long time, I felt serenity. I am mostly nothingness, and so is the sky. It's still only weird for me to look at far-away objects, that my vision can still extend that far. Although, again, it feels awkward if I specifically go out to look at far-away objects only with the intention to look at them without any other aim. That's when it may turn on my brain and cause thoughts that, normally - especially after waking up - I simply don't worry about.
Nonetheless, I have a good philosophical basis not to worry about nothingness anymore. Because everything is empty. I'm no different. And yet, the something that the sky definitely is can actually be perceived, for its color is not constant: the hue changes further away from the horizon.
What is clear is that serenity and comfort with this world is possible, for I experienced it both yesterday evening in a spontaneous image - and today on my short evening walk. I will get used to a better state of mind.
I find myself in a weird state where I can't really do anything substantial: at the moment I am awaiting to be enlisted to a university this month, but the time to deliver my documents is not yet now. I'm just... here, existing with a purpose to understand myself and the world. When was it not like that, honestly? Even in my worse, right-wing days that drive was still there. It seems it will not simply go away. As an INFJ that can be a really good strength to have - with that identity I do feel quite confident, in fact.
For now, it is my Enneagram I'm working over, deliberating between type 4 and type 6. That conformity and willingness to identify with something bigger than myself - and help build it - seems atypical of a 4. On an essential level, I require some kind of connection with others; it does not reek of being part of the Withdrawn group.
Whatever my conclusion comes to be, with age and maturity I've realized that deliberating too much over this can also be counterproductive. It's only 10% of my identity, my "self", what my Enneagram is. I am still "me" that cannot be subject to categorization, that cannot be ascertained by a system or a person - including maybe even myself. That's a substantial part of my being, in actuality. No matter what, this will not go away. It is the spirit - the invisible force that makes itself visible in the world through me.
But I really feel so queer. Is it really a matter of community? I have felt like this on my own, even if subtly. Now is the difference that it's more conscious, and I'm not afraid to let myself feel that I would prefer having a vagina than whatever I have down there now. It's the barrier that's gone, and that's what I'm feeling. It's not false or subject to doubt. Somehow it's just there. And I rightly feel so that something was taken away from me when I was not born a woman. With this kind of envy or regret doesn't come a fear of missing out on its own - it's a fear of missing out a version of me that seems more congruent, more harmonious, more joyful from life itself. I have felt this warmth when imagining I have a female body. Even that I perform a receptive role during intercourse. That it's more natural than having this much hair all over me.
My identity as relates to gender - in all of these forms - is genuinely real, I believe. I can't ignore it. For it to be just social influence is quite ludicrous, for I felt the social influence to be a man and be what that embodies - and it failed spectacularly. I was unlike myself on so many levels, and my values were just ignored or changed to fit in. The problem is that I believed in this whole-heartedly. Or maybe just 90%-heartedly, since, well, now I am this weird queer mess at the moment, and I'm trying to own it.
I believe things will end up looking better, though. At least I have this diary, this space for myself to explore things I would be scared to talk with others about. This is where I am discovering and naming. And embodying what in real life, in my current circumstances, I do not embody. There is something powerful about this medium.
On that note, it is time to reach the end of today's diary entry. It's so good to know that I can be my different, but more authentic self, where my femininity is not repressed or subdued by a pressure to be forcibly strong or masculine - or having a deep voice. It's all possible here.
Time will tell if this grows into something grounded in reality, where people genuinely see me as a woman - if this is the right way to go.
On many levels - it probably is.
❤️