Dear diary, fuck. I think I am actually trans. Not as a joke. Seriously. Perhaps it did seem that way already in my previous entries, but only now I've internalized what this all actually may mean. This is all starting to add up, and I can't ignore this anymore. This is for real.
I started to feel like I'm panicking again. That, no, this can't be happening. I couldn't believe that it was about me. Even just thinking that I have lived a life so different from my preferred one - that shook me to the point I wanted to forget about being trans. That I was just confused, maybe just a "weird" man. A man who wanted to have a vagina. That's when I realized that if I worry about having a trans identity so much... it isn't false. There is something about it.
Or, indeed, very much about it.
Imagining myself as a woman and feeling "fuller" than being a man should have been enough.
And now, I feel the name Alicia corresponds to me better than Alan. I realized this when I hesitated in my journal whether to refer to myself as Alicia, or as Alan. It seems I resonated more with the former name.
And the fact I tried to compensate for this existence by being hypermasculine even to the point of being against my values, viewing women as "prizes" (even though I never actually did!)...
I don't know how I may accept this. I am scared, honestly. I just don't feel that male. And, well, the reason I got along with women as friends, and identified with them on a subconscious level, on a peer-to-peer level... No, this is all starting to make sense.
The reason I was so "weird" during puberty, not as hypermasculine, not as teenager-ish, wasn't necessarily because I saw through the bullshit. It was because I was trans. I wasn't that different from women.
Fuck.
I guess I'm going to call myself Alicia and see how it goes. An additional step to solidying my trans identity after having learnt from my past year's mistakes of not transitioning all that well.
🏳️⚧️
Other than that, the day was really hot. The hottest in the whole year so far. With the sun keeping everybody warm today, it was hard to do anything in the afternoon without sweating or having difficulties with grasping air. I kind of liked how it felt akin to being wrapped in a warm blanket, all surrounded, all loved. With the caveat of sweating not doing much.
With my activities not as intense today, I mainly tried to grip my identity and learn some things about the Enneagram. I think I am a Sexual 6, and it does seem to explain a lot about the way I behave and have behaved. Of course it is important not to identify with any Enneagram type, but rather recognize when I am in the grip, in the patterns that are associated with a given type. Having read Naranjo's descriptions and listened to Fauvre, I relate much more to Fear as a passion than when it is described by Chestnut. Again, more research is needed, but so far this is starting to make sense now, and I'm going in the right direction.
I'm certainly not a 4, though, since I depend too much on others' input and I have issues with trying to be attractive and captivating, and some anger issues (since I also have 8 in my tritype). I'll try to crystalize my knowledge on this more.
I'll see how well I can escape the Matrix now. I've seen it, the trans pill has been taken, and the egg probably has cracked already. At least half-way through. It turns out that this wasn't a fad, that this envy of women is more fundamental and is related to my own core identity that they have something I don't, combined with I don't want to be this male anyway. Especially with the hair that's not on the top of my head.
This is going to be tough. And, as a type 6, it is time to show off my courage that is actually part of my ideal self. It is there, it is part of my light - no need to obscure it. I am trans and it's almost certainly true.
No matter what, though, love is necessary. ❤️