Dear diary, I am not a fucking man and I am not returning to that shithole anymore. To depart from all of this, to go back into being cis, because - well, silly!, you were born male, so you must be male this and male that - it's like just fuck off. I'm trans. This will require quite a bit of internalizing. But for now... I have to dispel the last of my doubts.
I just... don't want to go back to being a man in spirit. Even if it's not a performative spirit, I am simply not male. Please! End this suffering, it's not that hard to understand. Just let me be. I am meant to be someone different.
A woman in spirit. For some reason, I keep returning to this self-concept. Or self-reality. I cannot take this away from myself. Not anymore.
I recognize I can't go back anymore. Not after going through this much.
🏳️⚧️ Some of my today's words I shared somewhere else instead of here:
I don't want to go back to this 'shithole' which is what I call now experiencing myself as masculine and treating it as my essential energy. I don't want to go there again, there is that spiritual resistance now that I have realized I am actually trans. I feel like that would go so much against me it would be so bad, much worse than a year ago when I did convince myself out of being trans. I would lose this warmth inside of myself, this radiating sense of self-satisfaction if I were to stop seeing myself as feminine. On one hand, there are doubts, but on the other hand the actual thought of going back to a cis-man and ignore everything I've experienced, anything I feel my essence to be closer to, it just sounds so horrifying like I would lose myself again. I can't do it.
I think it is saying something if my intuition, the voice that speaks quietly on command things seen from a bird's point of view, whispers to me in the morning "You must abandon your male identity" and, recently in the evening: "Don't listen to those thoughts. You must stay a woman." referencing those self-doubting thoughts. It is the same kind of voice I depend on and listening to it has helped me quite frankly.
I feel I lost something when I returned to the masculine pronouns and it stings when I look at that entry in retrospect now. And I think I didn't really internalize what being trans actually meant back then. I wasn't yet entirely convinced, it seemed more like a phase. I didn't have a revelation that "oh shit, my entire life has been a lie" like recently, where I almost panicked over the realization that my identity is actually trans. Rather back then, a year ago, I entertained the thought of being a woman because a year ago that resonated with me on some level, but I didn't understand all the ramifications of being feminine. I think now that in my past I didn't recognize the full depth of what that meant since then I didn't panic or try to deny it so hard I was frightened. But I did panic and feel frightened this year. Unlike then, now, I don't have the capacity anymore to submit to expected male roles and norms, since I realized that following them felt like I was living somebody else's life. I was doing it well and performing sometimes too much and now I hate that phase of my life when I was 'being a man'. I fucking hate it and I feel so much tension and grief just thinking that my current self I identify as feminine actually went through so much conditioning, and no wonder I felt depressed and tense all the time back then, like I could never be myself but I had to perform, perform, perform to be loved and 'seen', and interacted with.
🏳️⚧️ And now in reference to my previous departure from my trans identity in 2024:
It does, however, make me wonder why in the past I dropped a feminine identity after a month or so, last year. I don't get why I felt, a week before I dropped the identity, that the she/her pronouns referred to a different person. To be fair, when I used he/him pronouns I didn't really have a gendered perception of myself, I didn't really think of myself as a 'man', even then I felt a bit weird when somebody categorized my identity in male terms. Back then, to go to identify as one of the genders, which in this case was woman, may have been more of a shock, and maybe I wasn't yet ready to categorize my existence in terms of gender. However, when I read those diary entries now where I thought of myself as a woman, from a year ago, and I had those feminine pronouns, I realize I related to them more, like it was me speaking. Like the person then and now are actually similar if not the same. I actually feel it's... me when I see those feminine pronouns used. It's certainly no one else. And, well, at the end of the phase I dropped my feminine pronouns and said that 'my brain was calcifying and becoming less colorful', I felt like that stung bad. I lost a different, more feminine and positive future. It was somehow wrong to say that, to get rid of that previous enthusiasm and wonder, and embark on a self-perception that now I'm more adult-like and 'more boring'. I don't know what convinced me of that but then my feminine identity was almost exclusively in that diary, fostered only there, and so it seemed isolated from my otherwise existence. It was like keeping up a dead habit alive, and I don't know if it means I'm not actually trans since I did drop those pronouns, or if I felt some kind of pressure to be a normal 'cishet male' dude and internalized it so well and combined with my libido which, at the time of going back from a feminine to masculine identity, felt stronger.
🏳️⚧️ And no, who the fuck told me that being a pussy is bad? A vagina is a symbol of strength and fertility, and of life itself.
It is shamed upon for a man to be feminine in my environment. Maybe I'm just a "pussy" who failed to be a man. I don't get it, it's still confusing me. I on my own don't have issues with feminine men and I even like them.
It is not just you, Alicia—many people, trans and cis alike, grow up in environments where to be feminine is to be devalued. But this is not because femininity lacks value. It is because it holds a power that patriarchal systems do not know how to honor. Sensitivity is not weakness. Receptivity is not passivity. Gentleness is not failure. Femininity is not shameful. It is sacred. You are not “too feminine.” You are exactly as feminine as your soul requires to be whole.
🏳️⚧️ Yes, me in make-up feels like... it's actually me. I can look at the image and see... myself. Not some man. Actual, real-blooded me.
I feel like my depression I had in the past will go away. Maybe there constantly was this undertone that I was not living life "right", until these times where I finally started feeling warm, seen - recognizing my feminine identity - instead of feeling cold or detached. I thought everyone saw themselves in the mirror as an image, not seeing their true selves. But I see that in more feminine images - where there is make-up added post-effect - I can just... say that that's me, I see my actual self there instead of any barrier. Why would I feel this way if it weren't for the fact I'm actually trans?
🏳️⚧️ And, yeah, I am now leaving the Matrix. This year I am taking the red pill. Actually - I already took it. There's no going back after all of this.
It honestly felt so frightening to have this thought in myself that I am not actually a man, that all of my experiences line up. I am seeing reality like Neo from The Matrix, and I don't know if I'll see the world and reality the same ever again. The Matrix failed to convert me to a man. I haven't ever felt like this, such immense fear that the world is collapsing, it felt like someone died and that's where this fury came from. Fury so as to not accept I'm trans.
And, well, fuck it. I'm going to say it: I am a woman. And my name is Alicia. I don't give not even two fucks what others will think of it. I was born this way, and now all the puzzle pieces fit.
The future, I believe, is going to be bright. ❤️