Dear diary, I think I am coming to terms with the fact that I am a trans woman. Honestly, it just feels so... authentic. Unforced.
There are just too many signs.
I had this moment today. I was lying in bed and I decided that, well, I wanted to try on breasts. See what it looks like. Actually, it was not even the first time in my life I tried to imitate having a female chest - it happened a year ago when I tried on a feminine identity, and even when I was like 10-11, I found I liked something in having those feminine elements in myself.
So I grab this one T-shirt, wrap it in a way that both edges are thicker, and I put in on my chest area. I regulate so it looks natural. And then, I take my tablet. I look at my own reflection in the screen - not yet from the camera, but just from the glass. And I just saw... me. No, it wasn't Alan, nor was it Alicia. I could tell it was me. I felt euphoric seeing that I have long hair and, below them, "breasts". I felt that it was me. And, for some reason, even though I didn't put on any make-up, I saw a wholly different face. A feminine face. It's as if it literally changed its structure to resemble a more feminine face. And, yes, it was me. This was my self-image, being the same as my expression. Gender identity and expression were now congruent. It felt so good. I could recognize myself in this reflection, that this was simply... me. I felt euphoria over myself, seeing myself having a female chest.
Honestly, I didn't want to get rid of that wrapped shirt anymore, but I had to. Yet it felt so good, having that additional mass on my chest and seeing it in my reflection. It just felt so true about myself.
Now I get why multiple times in my past I tried on such "breasts". I didn't really feel that kind of euphoria, it was more a sense of awkwardness. That a man shouldn't try to imagine having breasts. Yet even then I felt some kind of resonance I couldn't yet consciously ascertain. But today, I felt confident. And I felt a way about myself I haven't when I thought I was a man. I don't recall feeling such euphoria over my male body. Honestly.
Later on that evening, I let my long hair out and I naturally let my bode shape itself, my hips swaying to the side, my shoulders to the other, and having a slanted presentation with arms over each other in front of my croin area. In this position I looked at myself in the mirror. My face seemed feminine once again and I even hit the expression right I think. I had the long hair, the glasses that made my eyes girly, the kind of submissive yet a bit seductive look. I looked at myself in such a pose and, well, I felt... nothing. I couldn't make up my reaction. I couldn't even bring up my intuition to say something which happens very rarely. In this reflection in the mirror I saw something I later understood as a future expression of myself if I continue down this trans path. It felt like I was looking at a future version of me, of something I could become. Yet I felt some kind of pull that perhaps results out of some inner resonance between body and heart, because I wanted to continue to look at myself in such a feminine pose and gaze. Something pulled me towards that. And I didn't even feel sexually aroused or anything. If anything, I felt sexy, I even pushed forward my hips a little to expose more my imagined female sex organs. I didn't feel it was necessarily a performance. But I couldn't make up my reaction. It wasn't ambivalence, it was just... a reflection of my future self. And, honestly, I wish I looked like a cis woman, not a trans woman. A trans woman is not in line with my experience of being a cis woman with real breasts, real vagina, real all this and that. But in this feminine presentation I felt less dysphoria than when I'm presenting as masculine.
I felt quite similarly to when I initially tried on "breasts" made from a wrapped up T-shirt. It seemed off, perhaps awkward, maybe I was feeling off since the shirt was wrapped in a bit too hard... Yet I gravitated towards it. Like such imitating a female chest, this feminine pose feels like the beginning stage before I realize something more about myself. I feel I'm just starting, but I feel some kind of unexplainable pull to present myself as feminine, get some feminine clothes, make-up, maybe make my face look more cis-woman than man?
I will try to write more in the coming days. For now, I am... wholeheartedly Alicia.
I am trying to experience myself, which is why I'm writing less today.
And I love seeing a feminine reflection in myself. It feels like... home.
❤️