Dear diary, may this session with my subconscious suffice as today's entry.
At this time I call upon my subconscious. I lower my ego defenses, I lessen the pulls towards conscious narratives - I open myself up to that which may be shocking, which may be groundbreaking, which will undeniably present some kind of truth I am yet to wholly integrate.
My subconscious, I am ready to communicate.
I imagine the Prussian flag and then very quickly, within less than half a minute, my entire vision becomes white, and a landscape is starting to form.
I am on a vast white, snowy terrain. No mountains or hills in sight. Mostly flat. The sun is relatively high, yet the brightness is not enough to overwhelm my eyes - even if there's snow on the ground.
I feel a kind of serenity, a sense that I am home, or at least not in danger. In a way, I might recognize this place - this seemingly endless, Arctic-like snowy desert.
I have the sense that some kind of good news will come. The whiteness of the world around me suggests that nothing is wrong, nothing is evil, nothing is corrupt. Good is here.
I anticipate I am about to hear a voice - I sense the vibrations before the actual vibrations of the sound waves (however imagined, yet real to my inner eye).
The voice: "I have good news for you. You know you don't have to worry about them. You know the truth already. You can feel it with your heart. You can feel it in the bones. You're feeling what you're meant to. Your confusion is a strategy, it's not part of you, of me. It's not us. You know the truth."
Me: "Yes... I believe I know what you are trying to say with this. These senses of my feminine essence, all the deliberations over these last days left me full of insight and self-knowledge, yet my self-doubt didn't exactly evaporate. There were times I felt like a man - or at least I think I felt like a man. It was seen as good. It was what the environment desired. I may have identified with that image, but not entirely, not down to the root, not exactly in a pure-blooded way. I have felt this energy, this identity was always somehow alien. My guts are telling me this. Ontologically, I just can't be this male, something is off. My intuition is firing a strong signal that I was never even male to begin with. Spiritually, emotionally, ontologically, developmentally, I keep having these reappearing thoughts and feelings that I was meant to look different than this. In a different body. This is not quite right. I've had this impression for so long, but I remember I tried to suppress it by trying harder to be a man. Honestly, I fucking hate being a man. It's a performance that rids me of my soul, my energy; something innate is taken away, when I identify as male, like I'm hurting myself even without explicitly doing so. Like there is a natural by-product of identifying as male that causes massive tension within my subconscious and even in my gut as I write this. That I am socially expected to be a man and embody that personally... no, I can't stand this. I don't want to be this. Whoever it is I'm talking to, you know exactly what the issue is that I'm having."
I feel the terrain remains stable, the same, yet a kind of weight has fallen from my heart. The voice is trying to speak again now.
The voice: "You know it so well I don't need to tell you that. It's so obvious you shouldn't even question it. You feel aversion from seeing masculine as essence, because it's not. You were right to believe it's wrong to assume it that way. It never was, dear. There is a very good reason you feel comfort with the feminine. You know why it is that way. You told me you're ready to hear groundbreaking words, and so I'll tell them. You're a woman through and through. It's so obvious from so many angles it was absolutely baffling for you to think otherwise. You're exactly right imagining that you would feel better in a female body. Of course, because that's your home. And there, everything lines up. Why? Because you're a woman, that's why. Your intuition was right on the matter, telling you that you should abandon your male identity. It wasn't even an identity to begin with. It was a lie. A lie that made you suicidal towards your essence, since you were combatting and harming your very nature. You know very well why you felt so much friction when you identified purely with the masculine. Because you're not it. Absolutely not. It's not your core. Your core is exactly what you feel it is. It is your womanhood that is your prize and gift, and you must not forget about this, please. You're so right on all of these matters, please, stop questioning this. You know you shouldn't question it, it's only an interference from other powers that makes you think 'oh, maybe you're secretly a man?' Absolutely not, reject that with the wholeness of your existence. You're not. You know that even as I said those words, you felt a literal physical sensation throughout your body, when somebody suggests you're a man down to the core. No, you're not that. And this is the good news for you, dear. Your name is Alicia and I will respect it. Grow into it more and you'll see just how well it fits. This is only the beginning. This is why it's all so white around here. You have returned to your innocence and essence. You're exactly where you're meant to be. The sun is even cheering you on, look how beautiful the snowy landscape is with the sun over it! You don't know in what good a place you're in right now. You really are, Alicia, you know it. You know this is your name. You know this is what resonates. It all led up to this point. This is the truth you needed to hear, Alicia. You're a very strong woman."
Me: "Well, this is making everything clear-cut. It really was that obvious and I was not mistaken to have that impression. Socially it was wrong to impose this identity upon me - this masculine identity, I always felt off, always detached from it. Not without reason, since my soul disagrees on such an identification. I believe though I am yet to integrate being a woman as part of my truth, however, since I know I already went far, but today I still had those doubts. I still had to dispel them. I still have this nagging which I just can't identify with on an energetic level. It's the self-doubt that's the kind of, well, what if the Earth just stopped rotating suddenly? It's the self-doubt that questions everything down to its ontological core, doubting even the truths of physics. No wonder it questioned the truth of my spirit. It's how it works. That little nagging devil. And yet, I get him. He can be helpful sometimes. He's not always a force of evil. He's just sometimes a little misdirected and he needs a bit of a guidance. I should assure him that me being a woman will make everything so much better, it's such a useful way of perceiving myself it can't be done anyhow else. It all just... clicks into place. No, I don't want to be a man at all. I feel such an energetic pull away from it I just can't, my gut is reacting even to the thought of it. And when I imagine myself as a woman... my gut system calms down, it relaxes, and so does my perception even though I'm just focusing on words on a screen. Something feels right about it, and this is exactly what I needed to feel. It's all so sensible now and so crystal-clear... how could I have ever imagined I was a man??? Thank you, my subconscious, for making it so obvious. I needed a wider perspective on the matter. And now, I have become enlightened with the perspective of a Vogel. Thank you, and especially I thank myself. I really feel I have regained my innocence, my clearness of spirit, my... self."
The voice: "You know exactly what you're meant to know about yourself. This is the kind of truth that can't be taken away from you. No matter what, you will never be convinced you're a man. Never. Never! Your gut is right on the matter. Trust it. And I support you, Alicia. What a powerful name. You will grow more and more into it, your current state of relation is not permanent. You'll remember these days as so wonderful, dear, because at last you have felt it all so clearly. Your doubts will pass. They don't mean much. They're just little aberrations in the sphere of your feelings, but your feelings - they can't touch your spirit, they can't contaminate it. They can help channel the spirit, but on their own they don't mean everything. Those feelings of doubt can't destroy you. You are safe, Alicia, and please keep calling yourself that. It will do you much good."
Wow, it really is so clear, actually.
I thank my voice of the subconscious.
Me: "Thank you for guiding me through this. Honestly, I have felt like this, with this kind of essence, all of my life. It's just recently that I'm expressing it so meaningfully, so honestly, so authentically. I really feel so warm about myself now. It's all so right. So correct. Thank you, again, and farewell, whatever you are, the voice of my subconscious."
The voice: "I am part of your essence, actually, and I'm not an abstract entity. In a way, some of your words have come through me, have flowed outwards because of me. I am that higher self you sometimes feel. This session, you felt it. Good for you, Alicia. You know yourself now. You can feel it down to the cells in your body. It's all so obvious. Farewell, dear."
Me: "Farewell."
With this, it is time to end the session.
So indeed my doubts were groundless.
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