Dear diary, I am in despair.
It struck.
I realized just how much my life has been a nightmare. A constant back-and-forth between being myself, expressing my womanhood... and constant self-harm on a spiritual level to force myself to be male.
Every single fucking thing I did in high school was done under the wrong assumption - that I was supposedly male. No... that was so wrong. I was so dissociated from myself that I failed to even see that, until I put on fake breasts before a mirror and saw through the dysphoria I harbored every single day. Euphoria was possible, but as a woman.
And I missed all the trains.
No love, no kisses, no sex, nothing romantic or whatever - but, worse than that, I raped myself to become a man. That failed.
It's not about meeting expectations of a culture, it's just about when will someone fucking recognize ME and love ME?
Because that didn't happen. Like in a true nightmare indeed.
I kissed no one. Well, maybe I didn't want to kiss anyone. I didn't even know how to kiss myself most of the time. But, well, no one desired me. Neither as a man or as a woman. No one really saw my value. My spirit. My authentic self. This Matrix, this simulation - this delusion I was presenting to others - made it impossible to find love and secure it. I was delayed on a such a fundamental level it feels like puberty never started. I never embodied my changing male body, I dissociated from it and just thought whatever I wanted to believe.
I didn't really befriend anyone. They were meeting a mask. A corpse that they called a "teenage boy" or "Alan". Who the fuck is Alan? I don't know him. I am Alicia.
I can't believe I was trying to embody a corpse. All this fucking time. I just want to fucking cry how bad my life was before I realized I was trans, actually a woman.
I knew I was closer to the girls. But they thought I wanted something from them. No, I just felt like them. I had boys in my class, but I didn't care about them. I didn't vibe with them. I vibed with the girls. Which, for somebody who looks like a boy and is a teenager, is hard to combine in a traditional culture.
I even thought I wanted to have sex with someone, but I overidentified with the image of me wanting to have sex. In reality, I didn't even want to have sex. I want to have sex as her. I never did from the perspective of a masculine ego, it seems.
How come did others figure it out so much sooner than me? I don't even want to think about sex anymore. Please.
At least, for now.
All my life lived like a man has been a nightmare. I didn't think it would be that bad. But I will never be like cis people. I'll never have those normal relationships. Those normal timelines. I won't have that "I found my wife and we lived happily ever after". No, because I was not meant to be the husband. And I can't even be a true, real wife with a vagina, with a real female body. I am completely fucking lost.
WHY CAN'T I WAKE UP A WOMAN AND BE THAT UNTIL THE END OF MY LIFE?
Remember that 41% statistic about trans people?
It makes a lot of sense why it's that high.
Because it feels like too much. To realize my whole fucking life... was lived not as Neo, but as Mr. Anderson; not as Alicia, but as Alan; not as a living self, but as a corpse that I constantly tried to revive...
I can't believe I lived under such lies. I just want to cry for eternity and wish I was just a woman the next morning I wake up. Why did it have to be this way?
No wonder why I felt my puberty never started. No wonder why I felt like I was only breathing (sometimes barely), but not living. No wonder I felt lowkey depressed all the time I tried to be masculine.
I can't fucking believe that this is my life. I will never be normal. I will never be cis.
I have no idea what to do anymore.
Other than feminize myself further and align my presentation and external life with my internal self-image.
I may not be a woman sexually speaking, but that rids only 5% of my womanhood. The 95% is the psychological and physical - and I'm already trying to do the physical. Today I got rid of my chest hair. Suddenly the dypshoria lessened by a lot. The next step - armpit hair - and that's my destination tomorrow.
Things may be shit, since I'll never orgasm like a woman, I'll never have a normal husband, I'll never be a woman exactly on a deep, biological basis, and I won't ever be what society expected me to be... but I prefer to live free from the Matrix than to live inside of it. Never again will I think of myself as a man! My name is Alicia and I am a woman - and I'll do my best to be a woman, the woman in line with my character and essence.
The red pill has been taken - and I'm not vomiting it out. There's no going back.
🏳️⚧️